Friday morning. Caffeine running through my bloodstream. A constant chorus of “Shit, shit, shit” on repeat in my brain.
“Are you sure you’re not thinking too much?” friends ask.
Of course I’m not sure. That’s like asking me “Are you sure when you exhale it’s carbon dioxide that’s coming out?” I have no way of actually knowing this, so I just take everyone’s word for it. But I’m pretty sure that’s what’s happening. No matter what’s happening when I exhale, however, there’s nothing I can do to control it.
Same with my thinking. I probably am thinking too much. I always do. The thing is, I can’t stop. Yeah, yeah, there’s always meditation and all that other crap, but sorry, I’m too busy/clinically depressed to try any of that right now. All I have are my racing thoughts.
Why am I letting this effect me? Why, after getting the bulimia under control (more control than I’ve ever been able to in the past) am I suddenly slipping into its grasp again? The only answer I can come up with is that I’m freaking the fuck out. Maybe I should back track a little. Yes? Okay. Here we go.
About a month ago I started talking to my good friend Ashley’s brother Mike. I’d heard a lot about him and seen pictures of him through Ashley’s facebook and things like that, but never actually met him. I’d even told Ashley I thought her brother was super hot, her usual reaction being “Sick! That’s my brother. And I’m never setting you up. If things get weird, I don’t want it to affect our friendship.” Perfectly valid. That was as far as it went. Then, one night about a month and a half ago, she texted me saying “Are you ready to get all giggly?” Of course I said yes. I love nothing more than a case of the giggles. She informed me that her brother saw my picture on Facebook and thought I was cute. Aw, sweet. I thought that was the end of that.
While I was visiting my friend Jen in Madison at the beginning of January, Ashley texts me and says “Here’s Mike’s number. Maybe you should text him and see if you guys have anything in common and if it would be worth hanging out.” Um, thanks but no thanks. I wasn’t going to text someone I hadn’t even met and say “Hi, what’s up?” Talk about stimulating conversation. However, Ash had apparently given Mike my number as well, since I received a message from an unknown number about an hour later. We started talking, and it was nice. He was easy to talk to, he was funny, and we seemed to have things in common. For the rest of the week, we texted each other every day. We finally met that weekend at a bar with Ashley and some of their other friends.
Long story short, we’ve been hanging out ever since. I haven’t slept with him (I have really stuck with my No More Sluttiness Rule) and we’ve only made out with a little bit more. We’ve hung out a lot and it’s been great. Really, really great. I-don’t-know-how-to-describe-it-great. The kind of great I didn’t want to write about because I thought if I did, it would all go away. Thing is, I’m worried that’s happening. All of a sudden, he doesn’t seem that eager to see me anymore. Last week, we hadn’t seen each other for a day or two, and he was texting me “I miss you” and things of that nature. This week, it’s Friday, I haven’t seen him since Monday, and last night while we were talking about hanging out, he mentioned next week sometime. Oh, okay. Cue the bingeing and purging.
I haven’t told a lot of people about Mike because I didn’t want to get my hopes up. However, it seems like whether I told people or not, my hopes were higher than a motherfucking kite, if the lows I experienced in response to my insecurity were any indication. The urge to binge and purge has not been so strong in so long. I know it’s not his fault. I’m not deluded enough to think that. It’s just the stress of the situation and my own fucking expectations and problems and blah blah blah. I don’t know. I know it’s only been a month, but I already feel as if I’ve gotten to know him so much and we’ve gotten close and now if things start disappearing, what do I do? How the fuck do I get through this without my head shoved in a toilet?
bwonderful said,
February 4, 2011 @ 3:41 pm
I think a lot of girls go through a situation similar to this, I know I did. I suffered from anorexia for a while, and then ednos, and it was used as my outlet. I’m a lot farther than I’ve ever been,other than before I had problems, but its hard when you want something and the only outlet seems to be inflicting some sort of damage on ourselves. On another note, the boy problem. I really think you’re over analyzing the situation, which i do ALL the time. Really try to go with the flow, and not think about it too much. I mean, honestly worrying about it won’t do anything except drive you crazy. There are other distractions and things to do. I know when I have emotional issues I try and set a different goal for myself (write a story, get a better grade, etc. etc.) And focus on improving myself in healthy ways. Honestly, it sounds likes you, but like any other guy he wants his space. Guys aren’t very big in confrontation about things and that is something you have to understand. So, just go with his lack of eagerness. Don’t contact him as much and give him some more space. He might be backing off a little bit, which probably has nothing to do with you. Take time to learn how to love yourself without another person as well, because that is very important. You’re really stressing about it too much. You have no reason to stress. find other things to do with your time, because once you get into a relationship he is his own person and has his own life and you two won’t be around each other all the time. and that is completely NORMAL. Your biggest issue is insecurity. When I hang out with a guy a couple times, sometimes it can be a month before I see them again and maybe even weeks before I talk to them again. You just have to not worry about it, because it’ll happen when it does, you can’t try and force those things. I wish you the best of luck
Scarlett said,
February 4, 2011 @ 4:15 pm
Remind yourself that slipping back into bulimia will make things worse, not better. It’s easy to fall into that trap of coping, and yes, it can be a momentary escape. But you do NOT want to backslide into something that will only make everything harder to deal with.
Keep fighting.