That’s it. I’m now spelling womyn with a “Y” so the “man” part doesn’t pollute the word. I used to think this spelling was reserved for older, single feminazis who don art smocks with Crocs, have bejeweled strings on their glasses, and use the word “cunt” in daily conversation because they consider it to be the most beautiful human organ rather than the worst thing one could ever call another person.
But NO MORE. I am now the younger, contact-wearing, more normal(ish) version of the feminazi. The Everyday Feminazi. The Feminazi Next Door! Yep. After three consecutive, unsuccessful, and frustrating as FUCK experiences with the XY set, I am done.
Hey, guess what! Don’t piss off someone who writes or your likeness (or, if it’s someone with less tact than me, your actual identity, or a thinly veiled pseudonym) will become public along with your douchiness.
Let’s examine the aforementioned dickheads, shall we?
Boy #1: The One Who Leads You On For No Apparent Reason
No, this is not the guy that only sleeps with you and suddenly stops calling. I’m pretty sure everyone knows what that guy wants. Rather, this rare species will definitely NOT have slept with you. No, but they will emotionally fuck you hardcore. They’re (supposedly) really interested in things you’ve done (You lived in San Diego?! Oh, my gosh! So does my brother!! Tell me all about it), have similar interests (You’re annoyed at misused grammar too?! Well, golly gee!) and will do/say sweet things for you (e.g. take your shoes off for you when you’re far too drunk to stand, kiss you and tell you you’re gorgeous, etc.). No one else even gets his attention when you’re there. He didn’t ask you out, but you have a strong feeling that’s in the near future. Until…..HE COMPLETELY STOPS TALKING TO YOU. No more texts, no more comments on your wall, no more conversation when you’re in the same room with him. He’ll then go on to claim he was never interested in you in the first place and feigns surprise when discovering that you, in fact, liked him. Asshole.
Boy #2: The One Who Instantly Falls In Love With You But Isn’t Ready For a Relationship
This is the boy you’re surprised wants to date you at first, because you slept with him the day you met him (yeah, yeah, kind of slutty, let’s move on). However, the second night you hang out, he starts planning all these fun things you two will have to do in the future when you hang out. He calls you at 2:00 am and asks you to pick him up because his friend got arrested for a DUI and he needs a ride to his house 40 minutes away. You do it, then get called a whore by his mom when you drop her son off at 4:30 in the morning (really, lady? A Badgers sweatshirt and blue pajama pants with little skiiers on them is what you think I wear when I’m walking the streets?). However, this boy BEGS you to meet his family again because he knows they’ll love you. You meet them and they DO love you. So does his sister. He eagerly tells you he wants to meet your dad when he’s in town. He claims you gave his life meaning and are the best thing that happened to him….AFTER YOUR FIRST DATE. He calls you his girlfriend and refers to himself as your boyfriend. You stupidly continue the relationship, thinking maybe your own insecurities are to blame about feeling weird (Hint: They’re not. This boy is clearly more mentally unstable than you are). This boy will tell you he loves you after a month, then a week later text you saying “I’m sorry…I’m not ready for a relationship.” Umm….WHAT?! Were you cracked out for the last month or did you recently get amnesia? Fucker.
Boy #3: The One Who Takes It Super Slow….But Not Out of Respect for You; He’s Just an Engineer With No Real Feelings
Ahh, Boy #3. The one who texted me today as I was walking into therapy (excellent timing, douchebag!) to confirm your breakup text with a mere “We’ve come to the same conclusion. Good luck.” Gee, I didn’t realize I was texting an AUTOMATIC RESPONSE SERVICE! This is the boy that, at first, seems to be the diamond in the rough: extremely smart, going places in life, attractive, fun, and chivalrous. He jumps at the chance to drive you home instead of your friend, opens the car doors for you, pays for everything, and doesn’t even expect you to sleep with him. He’s easy to talk to, fun to be around, and you actually start thinking this could be going somewhere. You’ve been on 5 or 6 dates and haven’t even had sex yet (Yeah, who’s a slut now?!)! He’s a great kisser and patient when teaching you how to play pool. However, once you hang out with him and his friends, he basically ignores you. Then he stops returning your texts. You think “What the fuck? I’ve just been rejected by two other guys. I am not sitting around waiting for it to happen again.” So you wake up at 6 am and send him a text explaining this, while still a bit incoherent from sleep (the text is still well-written with perfect grammar, however. This is you we’re talking about!). He doesn’t text you back until the aforementioned happening of you walking into therapy. You’re expecting something like “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was doing that!” or “No, but I DO want to date you!” blah blah. Nope. Instead you get a brusque brush-off and a shit ton of material to talk about with your therapist for the next 50 minutes. Cocksucker.
So, to sum this all up: fuck you. Grow up. Don’t you have any fucking emotions?! (Those were in order for the respective boys).
The End.
