I don’t even know where to begin. Things are great. They’re horrible. I’m doing well. I’m struggling more than I ever have. It’s everything and nothing at once.
I start thinking I really want to recover. To me, recovery is no more bingeing and purging. Actually, to be specific, it’s no more bingeing. I normally don’t purge unless I binge, but if I do, I don’t feel guilty. Restricting, purging, overexercising…those things don’t make me want to recover, because if I keep them up, they could potentially lead to weight loss. However, it’s the bingeing that worries me. I don’t want to gain any weight. Fuck no. I know I didn’t purge everything last night which is why I feel so guilty. I hate that I do this to myself. However, when I try to analyze the situation, I wonder “Do I really hate it?” Yes, the guilt and shame and body hatred I feel afterwords is insurmountable, but the relief and numbness I get from the behaviors itself is exactly what I’m seeking at the time. When I’m acting out bulimic behaviors, I am no longer myself. I am nothing. A separate entity that has absolutely no mind/body connection. Once I get the thought in my head that I want to go on a binge/purge rampage, there is little to no stopping me, even if I haven’t thought about it all day.
